Last nights class at the library was helpful. For the most part it was a refresher from what I learned in undergrad. But what was not a refresher was how I should go about my own research and how to conduct my research. Going on the database for gender watch helped immensely. For one, I feel like I got to the main portal of research that I want to find. Once Greg helped me narrow my research and what exactly I need to put in the database, the research didn’t seem as overwhelming as I initially thought it was going to be. That felt like a relief.
Once Greg moved onto the next person to help, I stayed on the database and continued to look throw the different essays. There was about a hundred-something. Some I emailed to myself to maybe look over the weekend and read through in hopes I get inspired. And others I sort of passed through. Despire being so many results that popped up, it was a relief to know that my topic hasn’t really been done to be completely honest. And most of the essays that I did find just sort of came from a feminist perspective and what that meant. But I did not find any personal essays of what it means to be a woman and experiences of being a woman. I just found surface/ in general ideas of the topic. Which is good. But like I said, for the ones I did email to myself I do have to read over those this weekend and see what exactly has been said through personal essays and see what I can do when it comes to my essays. Ideally, my essays have not be done, because they are my personal thoughts and experiences. But regardless, I do still need to see what has been done centered around my idea.
As of now, I have about five essays completed and I am slowly completing more as I go. I am taking my time on the essays as I want them to be well written and as well as well thought out. They are something so personal to me and I want them to be expressed correctly. Each day, I am aiming for at least one essay or half an essay. But we are moving along to a direction. Not completely sure of that direction fully, but I know we are moving.
What does it really mean to crucify the flesh? I was pondering this as I stood in the shower after a few long, late hours at work. I know it means to deny certain fleshly, sinful desires, and to actively turn from these things and to God each day; but does it mean more than that? I’d argue that it does, especially given this analogy we’ve been on lately in church of being clothed.
Though the application of this God-given principle of dying to oneself is as simple as it is written, the significance and impacts of its application are much greater than I previously realized. See, I was initially thinking about the different physiological responses to psychological traumas. I was pondering how many different physiological reactions to trauma could potentially develop over time. Some common examples are bloating, indigestion, tremors, headaches or migraines, immune system deficiencies, and hypertension.
I find that when I strip away those traumas from my identity (because somehow it seems to stain my metaphorical clothes all too often), these physiological and psychological symptoms are often aggravated by this sudden naked state of myself. Why? Because I’m afraid of being that vulnerable.
I don’t talk about my feelings a lot; sure, I’ll write many of them here without much of a problem, but when I say talk I actually do mean I have trouble verbalizing my emotions. It terrifies me no matter who I’m talking to. I claim to like having that vulnerability and it is something I value, but I avoid it instinctually. If I don’t I tend to trauma dump, which is not a healthy habit either. So typically, I sit on my own and try to sort out my feelings on my own.
Recently, I took a step out from this mindset. Details aren’t necessary to the point here, but the point is that I was at a point where I knew I’d been holding back and if it wasn’t going to affect my relationship with this person, it was going to keep me in a stagnant relationship with the Lord. What I was refusing to let go of and to state out loud to this friend was keeping me as one of the mid-summer snapdragons I had in the garden this summer. Let me explain:
As I’ve previously mentioned in other blog posts, our marigolds exploded this year to a point where many of the stems looked more like small trees. We hadn’t accounted for this possibility of such large marigolds when planting everything, (in all honesty, my parents and I expected many to fail miserably while we were away on vacation), so things like rosemary and snapdragons had much of their light cut off by their overbearing neighbors. Some snaps even seemed suffocated. That’s where I was before— being held back and feeling unable to fully express what God was putting on my heart, even after . In most friendships I feel like that’s where I am, if I’m totally honest. I hold back because I guard myself so much. I hold back because I don’t want to talk about anything and everything with someone that might not even stay in my life for long (having been the “floater friend” throughout most of my life hasn’t helped with this, but it’s challenged me as of late for sure). I hold back because I’m avoiding confrontation. I hold back because I don’t do as well with vulnerability as I often claim to.
And I still feel somewhat vulnerable well after the fact. I almost feel like I need to fix the situation when there was nothing wrong about anything that was said or resulted from the conversation.
That’s where I want to bring it back to what it means to crucify the flesh:
To crucify the flesh isn’t just to reject our tendencies to blatant, outward rebellion; it’s also to reject our tendency to think we can handle things better than God can. At the end of the day, even though we are in the midst of our situation, we are not outside and around it or within every fiber of it. There’s only One that is. He’s the only one that knows every detail of every situation and knows exactly how it will pan out. It will not always make sense to us in the moment often because we don’t have all the information we think we do, but God knows what He’s doing. He knows it all.
The tendency of the flesh is to focus on lack. I saw this reel the other day and it opened my eyes to the fact that every time I have turned away from the Lord, it’s because of one of two things:
I’m worried I don’t have the necessary skills, resources, or grit to handle what the Lord is calling me to.
I worry about what I will lose by stepping out into this call from the Lord.
But He is Jehovah Jireh. He is El Roi. He is El Shaddai. He is Adonai. He is. There is no lack in Him. And I think it becomes so easy to forget that because we are constantly reminded of the fact that we currently live in a broken, fallen, sinful world. I think we too often fail to remember that everything in the world is ultimately sourced from Him– what makes any of it broken or sinful is man’s disobedience in how it’s all used.
The tree of knowledge of good and evil was not broken or sinful on its own, nor did the tree make Eden a broken place. Eden was the place of the perfect and united presence of God and man and the rest of God’s creation. There was nothing wrong with the tree– it’s what man decided to do with it when they walked past everything they could have with God and still chose what they perceived as lack. It’s natural for the body to want to be fed. It’s natural to crave food. But again, this one tree was right in the center of the garden. To get to it, they had to walk past everything they could have and still be in perfect union with Him in whom there is no lack.
As I was writing this, I paused for a moment as my phone came up with a Bible app notification. I’ve been in this study with some ladies from another church on there, and one of them just commented something so relevant to this point:
I remember there was this person going around asking people “If you could ask God one thing, what would it be?” And a man replied, ” I was going to say ‘why’ but W-H-Y stands for “Who Hurt You?” Which begs the question, “Who Helps You?” And ultimately “Who Heals You?” So I think I would just praise God for being my Helper and Healer in my hurt and confusion.”
I think that at its core, crucifying the flesh is rejecting this distorted focus. It’s taking off the rose-colored glasses; it’s stepping outside the fun-house mirror room; it’s keeping your eyes on the boat (phrase that’s stuck with me since my week at the US Coast Guard Academy for their AIM program in 2017).
I don’t always remember my cadre’s faces all that well until I scroll through instagram and see any of them pop up on my feed because I was often “keeping my eyes on the boat.” The Coast Guard is not a combat-based military branch, so keeping one’s eyes on the boat is just another way of saying “don’t lose sight of the boat in distress” because most functions of this branch are open water search, rescue, and law enforcement.
There are a few perspectives on this real-life metaphor:
We are the cadre. We cry out for Barabbus and try to put out as many possible distractions to take the attention away from the boat– the cross, that is. But at the end of the day, the purpose of the cadre is to discipline someone into keeping his/her eyes on the boat despite the distractions– to stay aware but not consumed by the many other things going on.
We are in the distressed boat. Much like when Jesus calms the storm or when Peter walks on water with Jesus, we are often in a panic. We are in what immediately seems like our imminent demise so much that we don’t look up and see the lights of the boat coming to our rescue, the eyes that have never left us and never not seen us (think of Hagar who gives God the name El Roi, the God who sees me).
We are keeping our eyes on the boat. Our sights are set as we run full-force towards the Lord. This is where we want to be. He is the boat, and when we run toward Him keeping our eyes on Him we will find that the Lord brings people into our lives that need a leg up, or maybe that are our leg up, too. He may ask us to be the ones to leave behind the main ship and trust He will keep you in turbulent waters. With trust– faith– in Him, we find that He will not only keep us, but build and refine us through the storm.
In this analogy, keeping your eyes on the boat is your sole responsibility until you are called to go and someone else has taken your place to keep their eyes on the boat. That person becomes the voice you listen to because they see the boat and they see you trying to get to the boat when you are in this in-between– that moment between taking off the old clothes and putting on the new ones.
It reminds me of a clip I once heard on reels (though I can’t find it for the life of me at the moment) about a student pilot who was on her first solo flight. One of the engines was breaking down, and (if I’m recalling correctly) her landing gear was only partially functional. She had no one in the plane with her. She had gone through the process with an experienced pilot already, and in a sense took off this “old clothing” of studenthood, or crucified that part of who she was to grow into the next stages of becoming a pilot. She was independent, but not alone. She still had the voice of a man in the tower at the nearest airport she was able to make the emergency landing. Amid her panic, he reassured her that he was there to talk her through the process.
And that’s exactly what this guy did, and when this pilot landed she credited this stranger’s voice and her focus on his voice as the reason she was able to make what seemed to be an impossible landing for anyone’s first solo flight.
Now, the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. And when they saw him they worshipped him, but some doubted. And Jesus said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:16-20 (ESV)
So I think crucifying the flesh is much more than just constant denial of what our physical, earthly urges are. It’s stepping out. It’s taking action. It’s intentionally debunking the lies trying to speak into your life with Truth.
Crucifying the flesh is allowing oneself that terrifying, humbling moment between one change of clothes and another– that moment a naked, broken heart is shone before God and then before the world. At the end of the day, what glory is there to go to God if no one knows what He saved you from? So maybe this is where I could list off a whole bunch of things He’s saved me from, but if I’m honest, I’m still working up to being vulnerable about some of these things. So know that this isn’t the full list, but I will share a few things here and maybe at some point dive into the contrast of my old, dead perspective and my new perspective in Christ:
alcohol & weed
relationship hopping (at least that’s what I call it)
codependency
anxiety (I still battle with this one a lot but the Lord continues to be faithful through it)
flashbacks
unforgiveness (mainly with like two people that don’t even currently play a huge role in my life, even if I feel as though they should)
people pleasing
And again, the list goes on. I’ve touched on some of these, but it’s rare for me to do deep dives into emotions, let alone revealing them to people on such a seemingly large scale (even though this Jesus blog really isn’t all that big of a thing, honestly). But my prayer here, I suppose, is that this would be the moment between the old and the new clothes– the cold, vulnerable, naked, difficult, and airy moment my heart and its wounds so desperately need. And I pray that you will take that step this week too, if not with another person then at least with the God who sees and knows it all anyway, and still loves you enough to stay and work with you to grow from those hard places.
Thanks to our class discussion in zoom I felt a little clear on where to exactly begin my research in order to truly start understanding my topic. There are so many directions in which I can go with this project and still am not to sure on which avenues to truly focus on, but I know this is normal at this stage.
This week as suggested by Dr. Zamora I decided to begin simple and start with looking at Digital Literacy as it compares to early childhood education. Skimming around I was able to see that I am not the only one persona interested in this topic and not the only one who wants to take a step in that direction. Finding out that I have a lot to study and examine makes me feel more comfortable with my topic, although this is just the very beginning.
I thought to myself that similar to the invention of fire or light, the internet can be put in this category as well . Very monumental and has truly changed the way we carry out life. It has made a huge impact now and with its expansion possibilities for generations to come.
With this thought in mind I want to carry out my entire thesis with this thought and tell why it is important to teach digital literacy starting early. This teaching is leading to further advancements of society around us.
“Early childhood is a pivotal period of child development that begins before birth through age 8. This is a period of rapid brain and body development.” These moments are huge when dealing with growth and development of children and implementing digital literacy strategies into their curriculum can really change the projectory of learning, or this is in some way what I am trying to prove. Either way positive outcomes for generations is the result.
The internet started January 1st 1983 according to to google and since then it has been implemented in every aspect and form of life. My idea is starting to truly understand how to use this tool, instead of children just being able to search cat videos for hours, can really change the way educators educate.
Below is how I started my research and where my thought process began:
How Parents Can Teach Digital Literacy Skills at Home
List down the key topics that will improve your children’s digital literacy. Building a clear plan will help you lead a more meaningful conversation with your children. Some of the key topics that you might want to discuss with them include cyberbullying, online ethics and internet safety.
Break down topics into short bursts. Don’t overwhelm your children with too much information in just one sitting. Split it into smaller chunks and concentrate on one topic at a time. This will give them enough time to absorb and process everything that you’re teaching them.
Apply games. Young students get distracted quite easily. So if you want to have their attention focused on you, you need to make learning fun for them. One way to do so is by reinforcing game-based activities. You can also leverage gamified tests to assess their digital literacy level.
Let them experiment. Let loose and allow your children to apply what they’ve learned into practice. Allow them to use technology with little to no supervision to help them become more independent and responsible online.
What is Digital Literacy?
Digital literacy is a broad term that encompasses all of the skills needed to live, work and thrive in a digital world. People who exhibit digital literacy understand technology, make use of digital tools, find verified information and even share one. They’re also well aware of the risks associated with technology and know the precautions to avoid them.
Digital literacy includes four crucial elements: finding, evaluating, creating and communicating information. Youth need to develop these skills to successfully navigate the digital age.
Digital literacy is an essential skill for preschoolers to learn in today’s increasingly tech-centric world. By engaging in technology activities, preschoolers can develop fine motor skills, understand concepts such as letters and numbers, and learn to use technology safely and responsibly.
Preschool teachers don’t have to be tech experts to utilize technology activities in the classroom. From various apps to using tablets or smartphones, there are plenty of simple activities to help develop children’s essential digital literacy skills.
This post will explore the importance of digital literacy in education and tips and activities to incorporate it into your classroom. These technology activities are easy to set up and can be tailored to the developmental level of your children. So whether you’re a tech novice or a pro, you’ll find an activity perfect for your class.
What is digital literacy in education?
Digital literacy is using technology to find, evaluate, create, and communicate information. To be digitally literate, one must be able to use a computer and the internet for various purposes, including research, email, and social media.
Digital literacy is an essential skill for children to learn to be successful. With the ever-increasing reliance on technology in both the workplace and everyday life, it’s more important than ever for preschoolers to use technology effectively.
Preschoolers are beginning to develop the skills they’ll need to be digitally literate. By providing them with opportunities to use technology in various ways, you help them develop these essential skills.
Technology activities for preschoolers should be designed to allow them to experiment with a variety of different technologies. Moreover, exposure to various technologies will make them better prepared to use them in the future.
Why is digital literacy important?
We use technology in our everyday lives. From smartphones, computers we use at work, and entertainment systems in our homes, digital devices have become a staple in nearly every aspect of our lives.
While too much screen time can be harmful , digital devices and technology are powerful tools for learning when used in moderation. For preschoolers, learning to use technology in fun and engaging ways will help set them up for success in school and beyond. Here are reasons why digital literacy is essential for preschoolers:
Teaches how to use technology
In a world where technology is becoming increasingly ubiquitous, teaching preschoolers digital literacy skills familiarizes them with the basic functions of popular devices and applications. This familiarity will come in handy as they grow older and are expected to use technology for school, work, and other activities.
Develops fine motor skills
Using a computer or tablet requires fine motor skills that most preschoolers are still developing. Regularly using these devices hones their skills and prepares them for tasks that require precise hand movements, such as writing.
Teaches new concepts and ideas
Technology allows preschoolers to explore and expand their horizons. With the help of apps, websites, and other digital resources, they can learn about anything they’re interested in, from animals and plants to history and outer space.
Helps practice essential skills
From counting and matching to reading and writing, there are many ways for preschoolers to practice essential skills using technology. Finding apps and games that focus on specific skills helps your child master the basics before they move on to more challenging concepts.
Encourages creativityDigital devices and applications can encourage creativity and allow preschoolers to express themselves in new ways. Through digital media and technology, they can experiment with music, art, design, and storytelling.Improves problem-solving skills
Using technology requires problem-solving skills, from learning how to use a new app to troubleshooting technical issues. As preschoolers encounter new challenges while using devices, they’ll develop these essential skills and learn how to apply them to other areas of their live
How to teach digital literacy
Digital media and technology can be incorporated into everyday activities and experiences. Here are tips for teaching your preschooler digital literacy skills in the classroom:
Use in moderation
Help children understand the importance of using technology responsibly. Set boundaries in the classroom and stick to them. For instance, if they are supposed to use their gadgets for 30 minutes, stick to that. Most importantly, lead by example and turn off screens when they’re not in use and mute your phone when you’re not using it. This can help children develop a healthy relationship with technology.
Get involved in their tech time
Spending time with your preschoolers while they use technology is a great way to teach them how to use it safely and effectively. Play an educational game with them or start a discussion about something you watch together.
Introducing digital literacy in early education can help young children develop fine motor skills, critical thinking, and creativity. It can also give them a foundation to become comfortable and competent technology users as they grow older.
By incorporating technology activities into the classroom, teachers help their children develop the skills they need to be successful in the digital world.
Starting simple will help me navigate how I choose to express the information I receive and which ways can make this a successful thesis.
After our zoom class, I would say almost a lightning bolt struck but not exactly. But after Dr. Zamora’s talk (which was super helpful) it gave me some more insight of the type of direction I should aim towards. Immediately after class I got to writing. I decided first that I want to draft up a couple of different essays on the exploration of womanhood and what it means to me. But also including things I have gone through being a woman. I know all woman have a story (trigger warning ahead), here are some of the essays I want to touch base upon and write before I center around my thesis;
The first time I was touched/ groped
The man who plotted to rape me
The man who stalked me
The man who called me a slut
The time my mother said it was my fault based on my outfit
Those are a couple essays I want to draft up first as I share my experiences in intimate stories. Then I will most likely need another brainstorming session with Dr. Zamora. But for now I do have a good start of where I want to get this thesis going. I am looking forward to the workshop next Tuesday as I can get guided a bit more and know where exactly where to start my research.
For the meantime, here is a sample essay I wrote to kick off the creative process and get in a zone:
The First Man To Disappoint Me
If any man in my past thought they did damage to me, they have not. My father was the first man to disappoint me.
I remember being a kid, sitting on the floor of the living room next to my mom who was sitting on the couch. I can remember her praying out loud “please don’t let him come home drunk. Please God protect him on his way home.” I silently put my head down as I pray in my head alongside my mother. Silently in my head I asked God, “Please God, don’t let him come home drunk today, please don’t let them fight today.” When I was a kid God didn’t seem to be too real because I thought when you pray he was supposed to make your prayers come true. But prayers are not wishes.
My parents fought badly when I was growing up. From microwaves being thrown out the window, to my dad leaving to look for a new place only to come back at night. I took on a role for my mother. To be her support system, and when she couldn’t be a mother, I tried my best to be one.
Growing up all I ever heard was “wow, you’re so mature for your age” or “you have such an old soul.” But these kinds of comments are normal for women, it’s almost an expectation to be more mature compared to boys. But the thing is, I wasn’t a woman. I was only a child. The “compliments” are not really compliments at the end of the day when all you want to do is be a kid. Not one that is dragged between every fight your parents have or every mental breakdown your mother has where all she can talk about is committing suicide. Trying to take on every role but the only real role I had was just to be a kid. But I failed at that one.
I say my father was the first man to disappoint me because it was hard to find that thin line. All I could see was the damage he was causing my mom, I resented him for it. While I never showed it and outsiders thought I was a daddy’s girl, I had a few moments where I strongly hated him and wished he never existed.
After our zoom class, I would say almost a lightning bolt struck but not exactly. But after Dr. Zamora’s talk (which was super helpful) it gave me some more insight of the type of direction I should aim towards. Immediately after class I got to writing. I decided first that I want to draft up a couple of different essays on the exploration of womanhood and what it means to me. But also including things I have gone through being a woman. I know all woman have a story (trigger warning ahead), here are some of the essays I want to touch base upon and write before I center around my thesis;
The first time I was touched/ groped
The man who plotted to rape me
The man who stalked me
The man who called me a slut
The time my mother said it was my fault based on my outfit
Those are a couple essays I want to draft up first as I share my experiences in intimate stories. Then I will most likely need another brainstorming session with Dr. Zamora. But for now I do have a good start of where I want to get this thesis going. I am looking forward to the workshop next Tuesday as I can get guided a bit more and know where exactly where to start my research.
As last semester ended and we began picking our classes for next semester I was pretty intimidated that I was already at the point to take the oh so feared Thesis class to start my own thesis journey. All summer in stayed in the back of my mind and it was quite odd because typically I can’t even remember the names of classes until the semester starts, but I knew this was going and I wanted to be overly prepared.
Instead of being overly prepared I feel as though I have over thought myself into a place where all of my ideas seem less important for this particular assignment. I can also see how getting other to care about my topic, or see it in a new way plays a major in this process as well. Sometimes we need to show people what is important so they can take interest.
I have been slightly able to narrow down my vast ideas into short phrases that I feel best satisfy what I am looking to bring forth out of my thesis. I want it to be useful beyond my Masters classroom, so I am able to look back and reflect this for years to come with endeavors and business I have planned for the future. I want to bring out something that others may not have thought when looking from a business or learning perspective. I want to create a proposal of some sort ( have a few topics in mind that pertain to areas I am looking to grow in society). Being open to truly exploring and gaining new knowledge from the topic I choose.
My areas of focus that I am looking to presume would either be education, school business outline/ plan, social media aspects, podcasting, or even combining both education and social media which are two very sensitive topics when talked about together.
I plan to make this moment in time meaningful so it is something I can look at for years to come and use it in same way or aspect of my life at that point. With the amount of time we will spend developing this thesis is it important to leave a lasting impression and be able to truly make the most of this final piece.
I am very anxious, yet excited. I know the hardest part of this whole process for me will actually be narrowing down my topic and starting to research and making sure that that topic is something that I can stand behind after this moment in time.
I recently began reading President Jimmy Carter’s Faith: A Journey for All. Though I’m not very far into it yet (I’ve only finished the introduction and the first chapter), there’s been a great deal of one thought going through my mind as a response to how he presents these snapshots of his life. Why can’t anything be that simple today?
The thought comes despite Carter being among the first presidents to have the pressures of preventing nuclear war rest on his shoulders. So maybe it wasn’t so simple after all.
What I mean by simple though is this rare-yet-normal ability to just be present. Carter says of his upbringing:
It was a simple, family-centered, deeply religious, working existence, with interracial labor and play on the farm with my black neighbors. All the framework was done by humans or mules, and we grew corn as the common fuel for both.
…
I knew the Great Depression years to be a time of hope, when the economic situation in America was so bad that everyone believed it could only improve; when things became plentiful, we tended to want not only what we already had but also what everyone else had.
Faith: A journey for all, Jimmy Carter (p.13 & 16)
It’s an existence where we don’t constantly long for more and instead choose to find the blessing in what we presently have– to invest what we have now in the things that matter now, not just what will matter some number of years from now.
I admit that I’m quite guilty of not living this way. I wish it were as easy as it sounds to take the one talent and invest it not because I think the One I’m keeping it for might give me something, but simply because I want to do well by Him. Searching for a full time job has made this especially hard as of recently because bills do need to get paid somehow. I worry that I might not be able to in a few months time with my several part-times and the meager checks I’m able to earn of them. I worry that I may not be liked enough at one that I would be the first one to cut if they need to cut someone. I struggle to find joy in doing the work the Lord has presently called me to at another. I worry that I will not find another to replace the one that was only meant for a season anyway. I’m planning things out and excited for another, but it still does not begin for another few months. I’m up to my eyeballs in anxiety over these things; of course, while acknowledging these issues remains imperative moving forward, when these are the center of my attention I have no reason to wonder why the Lord has taken my peace. He has not taken His perfect peace or His presence from me, it’s I robbing myself of these things and throwing them away. How could I blame Him for my own wandering gaze? How could I blame Him for my own lack of faith?
And it’s because of this revelation about myself as of late that I begin to think of the log in my eye. I feel as though, over the process of the past few weeks of writing these blogs, I haven’t truly given full disclosure that these were not mere revelations to me– they were revelations about me. And maybe I have mentioned it, but I feel as if I didn’t quite make it clear enough that even as the author of these commentaries on the Lord’s revelation of wisdom to me, I do not stand on some moral or spiritual high-ground. Even as the author of these short excerpts of my somewhat scattered brain, I am not the Author. I would never claim to be.
I don’t think I could ever handle that much pressure. Full disclosure, I often feel as though I can barely handle the pressure of authoring my own work (or rather, the work He has trusted me to author well, going along with Madeline L’Engle’s reflections on art). Knowing how angry, hurt, and full of angst my work used to be… how little care, practice, or thought there was to it… the lack of intentional sitting and legitimately dealingwith the darkest, most regrettable parts of my life… I look back at those pieces and pity them for the emotional upchuck they are.
And that’s why I often sit and simply be by being active in my being. I rest by meditatively working. I don’t sit idle. I don’t ride bikes, but the image came into my mind: is one able to easily balance on a bike that is not moving without engaging some sort of muscle? Whether that means peddling the bike and getting it moving, putting one’s feet on the ground, or having some insanely good core strength and balance, the bike and its rider only stay up when muscles are engaged. Only then do we somehow get to the top of the hill, then able to coast down for a bit before the next one.
A few weeks ago, (maybe about when I started posting here more regularly again), I’d started reading through Zechariah. I admit, I have not been as consistent with it as I’d like, but the Lord has still used that to highlight the right things about this book for me at the right times. Among those was the verse now in my Instagram bio:
For before those days there was no wage for man or any wage for beast, neither was there any safety from the foe for him who went out or came in, for I set every man against his neighbor. But now I will not deal with the remnant of this people as in the former days, declares the Lord of hosts. For there shall be a sowing of peace. The vine shall give its fruit, and the ground shall give its produce, and the heavens shall give their dew. And I will cause the remnant of this people to possess all these things. As you have been a byword of cursing among the nations, I house of Judah and house of Israel, so I will save you, and you shall be a blessing. Fear not, but let your hands be strong.
Zechariah 8:10-13, ESV
See, I don’t think that last part would have hit me quite as hard had I not looked into the historical contexts in which Zechariah lived and wrote this book from. In the days of the prophet Zechariah, Jerusalem was still in ruins. He speaks literally to the rebuilding of the temple in Jerusalem, but also through this book looks forward to the New Jerusalem. Zechariah was encouraging the people of Judah as they’d been freed from Babylonian captivity about fifteen years prior, and were losing hope and motivation to rebuild Jerusalem, let alone the temple that was destroyed.
Fifteen years they were waiting, trying what they thought they could, and still seeming to lose traction around every corner. No wonder they needed some encouragement– a kick in the pants, if you will.
They were waiting for a specific calling that they forgot to work with what they already had. They were looking back to the “glory days” of the temple so much, that they forgot they could presently have a hand in the glory days to come. I’ve been stuck there– am somewhat stuck there– and it’s been difficult to get back to the simplicity of the “simple, family-centered, deeply religious, working existence” that was much easier to enjoy as a kid before things started to get hard for me– whether that be how addictions tore rifts in the family, mean kids at school, or just feeling shoved off to the side most of my life.
But that being “shoved off,” I’ve learned, is an indispensable source of wisdom when you use it as an opportunity to observe. Being able to observe so deeply and often be undisturbed in doing so regardless of how crowded the space has played a heavy role in both the extortion and encouragement I’ve tried to apply to my life and pour out to others. Where there used to be nothing but social anxiety (which is still often present, might I add; it doesn’t typically just disappear), there is now an appreciation for the fear– that it reminds me I’m being given an opportunity to get to know people before getting to know people, to notice things going sideways before they actually do and (when the situation is safe enough and warrants it) being able to sometimes help keep things from going awry.
The rifts that certain addictions have caused in my family have ultimately brought me closer to my parents, and provided me with a deeper gratitude and understanding that even as it seemed my younger self was pushed to the side for the sake of my brother, I get it now that they would do it all over again for me too if I ever made the same mistakes. I get it now that they do that for me, and they always have, even through all the mistakes I have made. They continue to love him now, even when it seems impossible to do so from the outside looking in. And I know the same is true for me because, Lord knows I’ve not been the perfect daughter either.
The bullies when I was younger eventually taught me the importance of guarding your heart (think Proverbs 4:23). It was a long and personally grueling process; various mental health struggles arose, and I didn’t trust other people enough for a while to even go to a therapist, let alone God. I still don’t go to therapy, and I still struggle to swallow my pride at times and go to God, but I do. I go to God and only then am I ever able to get through my issues, regardless of whether or not they are solved. Do I still have the occasional panic attack? Yes. Do I still sometimes have flashbacks? Also yes. Is anxiety still an overwhelming weight sometimes? Yes, yes, and yes. But God.
It’s because I used to worry so much about ‘what if someone sees me cry‘ or ‘what if someone thinks I belong in a mental hospital should certain triggers arise,’ that I was unable to be present. That’s often why people have panic attacks in the first place anyway– an unclear or non-existent grounding in present reality. And it’s because I now have a foundation in a reality greater than the reality this world could ever offer me that I can face triggers and anxiety and still be present in the moment, knowing that I am safe in and loved by our Heavenly Father, who is there for those who earnestly cry out in their trouble and protects those He loves. And all this remains true regardless of circumstance or triggers or the highs and lows of emotion.
And it’s in the simplicity of this truth that I am able to continue my work– to let my hands be strong– and not fear, even when I am afraid. It’s because of this that I do not have to fear getting my hands dirty (as they often do, I love caring for flowers and painting and just about any artistic feat that I can afford).
And this reminds me of another part of President Carter’s book, in which he recalls a dinner he had with a pastor not long after he announced his running for state senate. I sent this to a friend who similarly has been running for public office, as I figured it might be a good reminder to go back to, so I figured I should put it here. Regardless of our professions, I think we all need this witty reminder that Carter quickly gave this pastor when he asked:
“How can you, as a Christian, a deacon, and a Sunday school teacher, become involved in the dirty business of politics?” Without thinking, I gave him a smart aleck response: “I will have 75,000 people in my senate district. How would you like to have a congregation that big?”
Faith: A journey for all, Jimmy Carter (p. )
I found this to be reminiscent of Peter’s vision in Acts 10. Do not call common what [God has] called clean.
It’s because I used to worry so much about ‘what if someone sees me cry‘ or ‘what if someone thinks I belong in a mental hospital should certain triggers arise,’ that I was unable to be present. That’s often why people have panic attacks in the first place anyway– an unclear or non-existent grounding in present reality. And it’s because I now have a foundation in a reality greater than the reality this world could ever offer me that I can face triggers and anxiety and still be present in the moment, knowing that I am safe in and loved by our Heavenly Father, who is there for those who earnestly cry out in their trouble and protects those He loves. And all this remains true regardless of circumstance or triggers or the highs and lows of emotion.
And it’s in the simplicity of this truth that I am able to continue my work– to let my hands be strong– and not fear, even when I am afraid. It’s because of this that I do not have to fear getting my hands dirty (as they often do, I love caring for flowers and painting and just about any artistic feat that I can afford).
And this reminds me of another part of President Carter’s book, in which he recalls a dinner he had with a pastor not long after he announced his running for state senate. I sent this to a friend who similarly has been running for public office, as I figured it might be a good reminder to go back to, so I figured I should put it here. Regardless of our professions, I think we all need this witty reminder that Carter quickly gave this pastor when he asked:
“How can you, as a Christian, a deacon, and a Sunday school teacher, become involved in the dirty business of politics?” Without thinking, I gave him a smart aleck response: “I will have 75,000 people in my senate district. How would you like to have a congregation that big?”
Faith: A journey for all, Jimmy Carter (p. )
I found this to be reminiscent of Peter’s vision in Acts 10. Do not call common what [God has] called clean.
I wrote some about this in my first post after going to Bermuda earlier this year. Whether that means you look at your mistakes entirely with regret, guilt, and shame, or if it means you refuse to go into a career or an environment that “isn’t Christian enough” for you, do not doubt that God can and will use it all for the good of all to His glory. Getting to Bermuda was an amazing experience, as cruise ships tend to be for most who don’t have their trips ruined by seasickness, but for me it was just a lot. There was a lot going on, few quiet spots to escape to, and the constant lurking temptation of alcohol everywhere. But still, I had my parents there to hold me accountable, there were a few people I got to briefly meet and be a light to, some of the shows– however “non-Christian” they may be considered– inspired parts of my faith that needed a little reviving. On top of that, I didn’t expect a beautiful vacation destination to be so rich with church history or densely packed with churches of nearly all denominations.
So, circumstance. I feel compelled at this point to wrap up what I’m saying with a bit more of my English-nerd fascination with etymology (and by that, I mean I Googled the etymology of the word “circumstance” because I seem to be circumventing idea a lot here).
circum– : word-forming element meaning “around, round about, all around, on all sides,” from Latin adverb and preposition circum “around, round about,” literally “in a circle”
-sta : Proto-Indo-European root meaning “to stand, set down, make or be firm,” with derivatives meaning “place or thing that is standing.”
I guess what I want to ask, given this information, is two things:
Regardless of your circumstance, where are you standing? What do you firmly believe will never change? Is that what you stand on? Why or why not?
Are you aware of all your circumstances? Yes, circumstances in this physical realm, but are you also aware of the deeper eternal reality that this physical word is temporarily coexisting with? Which of these circumstances hold greater weight in your life? Which of these sets of circumstances drive more of your decisions, take up more brain capacity, and/or spend more of your energy each day? Why?
It is clear, I’m in a creative funk (well maybe just an overall funk). This whole summer prior to the beginning of the semester all I could think about was this damn thesis. It was something I even told my mom about countless times because I wasn’t sure if she was getting how big of a deal it was to me and how anxious I was about it. I think she somewhat gets it now. Point is, I don’t even know where to start. So what I do when I am unsure about anything, I went straight to google. I googled “MA Thesis Ideas for English Majors.” I didn’t do this with intention to take ideas but in hopes to get inspired. This is what I found;
Religion and Politics throughout the Ages of Literature
Gender role Differences
How Accurate Is History in Historical Novels
The Function of Animals in Children’s Literature
What Are the Origins of a Chosen Novel
Twentieth Century and Middle Ages Morality Play
Modernism vs. Realism: the Differences
First World War Poetry Analysis
The Most Important Piece of Work Written by William Shakespeare
What Are Female Masculinities in Old English Literature
Was Literature Influenced During the Renaissance Era?
How Quantum Physics Is Applied in Literature
Nineteenth-Century Poetic Imagination with Astronomy
Not quite helpful, but one did stick out to me; gender role differences. From there my mind started to go down a loophole of ideas, well maybe just one idea. For my thesis I want it to center around the idea of womanhood/ femininity. Yes, I am aware there are tons of research on it, but I want to center somewhere around that idea and along the idea of “buying our womanhood back.” The idea is still a work in progress and it might be changed but I like the idea of writing about women and what it means to be a woman from what we wear, to what we do, to even who we date. But like I said, I would have to further look more into this because I know countless things have been done about this already. But I would like to center my thesis around the idea of women.
So far this is what I got. I am going to continue to brainstorm and see just what exactly excites me and moves me. In the meantime I am going to work on pushing through this funk and read more and take care of myself more to be able to generate more ideas.
Super excited to be starting my 2nd to last semester of this Master’s Program. Also very anxious as usual during the fall semester. So many new things to talk in and unlike the spring semester where we have a few weeks off to recharge and jump back in, the fall semester we come in from having months off and doing other things in our lives. Keeping ourselves busy, and now we add on some new things with this start.
Although I do have some anxious feelings I am also very relaxed at the start of the semester because it is a feeling of being refreshed and bringing a new energy into new surrounding, or some already familiar knowing my classmates and some professors as well. This gives us a new way or perspective to come into this semester and make the absolute most out of it.
I have personally been thinking of this Master Thesis since the start of Grad school, as I have heard the stories of many who have graduated before me, and how it totally consumed them, but I just noticed the positive of how they all made it happen. Now that I am thrown into the mix I am feeling a bit pressured, but nothing more than I can handle.
The fall brings forth such a crisp refreshing air that trickles into my life slowly but surely, and my whole presence becomes calmed in a way daily. This is the perfect time for e to be starting such a big moment in my this part of my life as well, almost makes it a significant point to be aware of.
I am going into this thesis process with an open mind and an open spirit to truly allow my creative and logical juices to flow and produce an awesome thesis. I also want my thesis to be something I use for the next few years of my life if possible, or something that can help in the long term. The research and time I plan to put into this thesis and knowing what is expected makes me want to be able to use this as a stepping stone for something coming in my future.
I’m not a huge stickler about English etymology, but it does fascinate me. Understanding the value of our words is much more surface-level than I think we often realize without knowing the roots of the words we say, even regardless of intention sometimes.
Among these roots, I would say the most interesting etymology of a word that I’ve seen is actually quite a simple word that we probably all know. In today’s English vernacular, though I admit I’ve not heard it as often as I used to (for potential reasons I will soon elaborate on), we tend to use this word in response to a retelling of something tragic that happened. We (more often) use this word to describe pungent smells and sensations. The word?
“Awful” is a fairly simple word. We associate it with tragedy, obscenity, and unpleasantness; but hardly had I ever considered the third definition above before learning the etymology of the word during my time in college. Given the two roots of the word taken individually, that definition makes so much more sense.
However, I do believe that the world has largely forgotten that healthy fear exists. Fear can sometimes be one of the greatest educators. Fear does not always send us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, nor should it. That, I believe, is why this “archaic” definition of the word awful is specified as something that elicits reverential fear. It’s the kind of fear that reminds us to pray, to worship, to trust and not to worry about our circumstances because there is a greater power presiding over said circumstances than we could ever fully grasp. That greater power being the Christian three-in-one God– Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
So here’s the list of things that were going through my mind at this point:
How did the definition of awful do a full 180?
Why is awe somehow considered bad?
Do we consider God, who is perfectly good, to be awful by the root definition, or by the culturally adapted modern definition?
My mind froze at that last question. I know I’ve been convicted of a thought like that before. I know that for whenever I should start drifting or for any of you that may need that conviction, that question just needed to be written down.
There’s this imagery that Jeremiah uses that I believe to be so applicable to this question:
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.”
Jeremiah 17:5-8 (ESV)
See, we use words today in such a way that doesn’t care for the roots. Sometimes that means pruning our vocabulary from cussing and other vulgar language. Sometimes that means fertilizing it by reading books that challenge and stretch our vocabulary (see this post for more on that). Sometimes that means watering it– by experiencing the rainfall, the river’s currents, or the ocean’s vast and wavy expanse in all its beauty, tumultuousness, justice, and mercy all at once.
As great as it may seem to experience any and all of these things when reading it off of some rando’s Jesus blog, it is not easy by any means. It’s not a graceful, effortless process by any means because we do not presently live in a world that makes following God easy. In fact, Jesus echoes the promise of trouble in doing right by His name in John 16:33 from Genesis 3:16-19. But there’s another verse that I use a lot as a swim coach:
For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11 (ESV)
Pruning back a dahlia stem with a single flower and three buds is hard– you think waiting for the other three buds to bloom is more worth your while. But dahlias love to be pruned back pretty far. Cut back the dahlia [or really, cut the garbage out of the vocabulary you use and say things more kindly and intentionally] and instead of three more flowers before the plant says its done, you’ll end up with several more shoots with even more flowers and buds.
It seems awful by our modern standards, to cut back such a beautiful stem and the potential for it to flower more, but I’d argue that it’s archaically awful. It scares you for a moment whether or not you’ll get more stems from the one you just cut, but when those new stems grow and flower in a few weeks, there’s a sense of wonder– awe, even– to the beauty and resilience God gave even just this one plant.
There are different types of fertilizer for different types of plants, and I don’t know which type of fertilizer my dad used for the marigolds we grew this year to try and raise money for my church’s annual West Virginia Missions trip, but it worked. We only sold about half of the marigolds we seeded, and they were already much taller than expected and badly root-bound in their plastic flats. We planted what was left in a hurry since we had a cruise to Bermuda coming up, so in some cases we put up to ten in one big hole and hoped for the best. Currently, the average height of the marigolds is nearly 5’2″ (and I’m estimating based on my own height of about 5’4″). My dad claims he didn’t use a ton of fertilizer on these plants, but I guess a little bit goes a very long way.
But also with the marigolds while they were in the flats, there was the issue of water. There wasn’t a whole ton of space for dirt that would hold some moisture for the roots to soak up in those tiny black squares– because the roots took up so much room! A huge reason these flowers thrived more than your typical marigolds from Lowe’s or Home Depot was that the roots were so strong and mature and begging to reach for more water and nutrients when they were planted.
So much like I’ve asked you to consider the roots of this simple word “awful,” I want you to consider your own roots in this same sense. Are you parched for a drink from the Well? Are you desperate to dig your roots deeper into the place where it all comes from– your entire existence? Or are you the shrub? Will you waste your words? Fail to nurture them with the words you take in? Fail to put life-giving words into you and speak life-giving words over yourself and others?
Will you be awful in the modern sense?
Or will you be awful in the sense that God is because He lives, breathes, and shines in and through you?
The official class site for Dr. Mia Zamora’s Fall 2022 Electronic Literature course.
